What Brinley Did Today

Brinley had Macaroni and Cheese for Dinner.


Then she tried on some nifty shades.



Then she decided to terrorize the dogs.


Next she had a wardrobe change and decided to go for a swing.



And then a romp.


And then on a twig finding adventure with Sandler and Holly.


Only then did she notice the creepy neighbor and cling to mommy's leg.


Then back inside for a few moments of being cute.



Then right back to the time out stool.



This all happened within a time frame of 2 hours. :)
Welcome to the lovely life of a mother to a toddler.

I heart my daughter.

i don't wanna grow up

I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid.

Becki: (n) - An intricate being of emotion and creativity. A sinner.

I am a good person. I am mature for my age and a decent member of society. I bathe. I return my shopping cart to its place in the parking lot. I respect others. I am reliable. I listen. I absorb things that matter like a sponge. I’m a hard worker. I acknowledge the differences in others and accept them for who they are. I love equally. I volunteer at my church. I bake meals for those after big life events. I even smile at my mother-in-law. I am a truthful and trustworthy person. I can keep a secret like no one else. I am a people pleaser to the core - making you happy makes me happy.

I can’t stand myself.

I am a sarcastic person. I’m very passive aggressive. I am insecure. I hate cocky people. I don’t like not being the best at something. I fear being marginal. I dislike consistently happy people. I am a loner to the extreme. I hate being smothered. I won’t believe you if you praise me. I only give people one chance. I don’t like people of authority. I crush easily - make me laugh and I’m yours. I pick fights to see if you think I’m worth it. I am a basket case.

I am five foot seven inches on paper but in my head I’m five foot eight and a half. My hair is naturally some shade of brown that I can’t remember through all the years of red, blonde, light brown and now nearly black. My eyes are blue with a distinct pattern of gray in them. I don’t know if they change with my mood but I feel like they would. I am in no shape - other than round and pear like. I spend a majority of my time thinking about everyone else and how to make their lives easier. I come very last in my book. Spending any kind of time or money on myself feels like a sin, a waste or a very selfish act.

I am 25 and still have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I’ve considered, esthetician, cosmetology, senior housing, non-profit, education, writing, baking, home child care, ranching, interior decorating, home design, social worker, travel agent, event planning, bridal gown sales and just about everything else you can imagine. All I really know is that I’m not going to be happy until I find my niche and I’m still looking. Oh I forgot to mention, clothing designer, artist, animator, musician, website designer and photographer. All I seem to be moderately good at right now is being a mom.

I’ve managed to keep my daughter alive for a year now. And the saints come marching in. I never believed we would make it this far. Someone should have tied my tubes right after my wedding ring went on my finger. Who in the world gave me the ability to reproduce and what the heck were they thinking? It’s true that any boob can have a child but it takes a braver person than I to be a decent parent. I try to go everything I can to make sure that she has the best life possible but there are days when all I want to do is get up and leave. Then I think of my mom and how brave she was and I continue my journey for Brinley.

I am not worthy of Christ’s love. I am guilty of every sin in the book except for murder of the physical sense. Worship moves me to tears. I lift my hands in surrender and reaching for my Father. There is nothing more amazing than the feeling of His hands in mine or His arms around mine as I worship. I am self-conscious about prayer and ‘Acting Christian’ but worship is where I know that I can be me. Worship is where God and I connect on the deepest level.

I take the words 'introvert' and 'private' to the extreme. I would rather be somewhere all by myself than with a group of people. Loud public places can be the most private if you know how to shut your mind off. Clear the mechanism. I would love to spend a whole day in a cafe with my laptop and a blank page infront of me. It would be the most productive time of my life. My imagination flows better with the white noise of other people's conversations.

This is my train of thought. This is who I am today. Tomorrow might be different but for now.. here's me.

Distance

I feel so distant from the path that God has set before me that it's painful. I can't seem to keep my feet in His footprints or follow His voice in the darkness. My life is miserable most days and I'm not going to lie to try and hide it. I'm too young to be married and have a kid. I never partied. I never had a wild night out. I was never able to just - be a kid/teenager. I've never been with anyone but my husband. I've never had an actual college experience. I've never done drugs. I've always been stuck with responsibility and maturity beyond my years and now I'm finally sick of it. I've never saught out other means of comfort but suddenly my worldly body is longing for these things and I don't know why. Why is it so danged tempting to want everything that we don't have even if we KNOW that it's not going to get us anywhere but more pain and back where we started at the very bottom of the pit of pain and self-loathing? Why in the world do I long to go out and get absolutely sloshed? Why do I long for the relief of being numbed by drugs? Why do I look forward to business trips to get away? Why do I say the normal "oh i missed them so much" line when I don't really mean it? Why am I looking to other means for comfort? The longings of the world have such a strong grip on me right now that every second of every day temptaion is staring at me - smack in the face.
I am so proud of everyone around me making leaps and bounds in their relationship with 'papa' and here I sit completely confused and upset. I don't know what to do. Who to turn to. Where to go. What to ask for. Why I even feel this way. I feel lost. Lost beyond all meaning of the word right now and I hate it. I miss the words of love that used to be given to me by my Father. I miss the little pick-me-ups in the middle of a rough patch. I miss the feeling of knowing that He is there and He does love me. I don't know what to do. The world has a hold of my left hand and the longing for Christ has my right. I feel like I'm going to rip down the middle.

Out with the old....

It's been almost a year since Brinley was born. My oh my have things changed. This week I'm going through all of Brinley's clothes in preparation for an upcoming www.jbfsale.com event. I've never consigned any of her clothes before and I'm finding it harder and harder to let these items go. Memories of her first year are making it nearly impossible to find things to sell.

This onesie is from Wal-Mart...cheap.. thin... and I can't get rid of it. It means something to me because I still remember the moment that we lay down on her playmat and took these pictures. She wasn't even two weeks old yet. I can remember the way she smelt, the little noises she made, the sound of her yawn, how bright her eyes were and how tiny she was.

This is a cheap, $4 Target brand onsie that she wore to her two week doctors appointment. She had lost nearly two pounds since her birth and was wasting away. The doctor put her on medicated formula and she threw up an entire bottle all over this onsie. We sat in aunt stephy's office and I nearly bawled as I watched her throw up the formula that she needed so badly. I can't let it go.



This is a BabyGap shirt I got at a consignment store before she was born. I paid somewhere around $4.00 for it. I could sell it now at the JBF sale and make at least a 3.00 profit on it but I can't. She wore this shirt to church week after week, her birth and dedication announcement invitations were photographed in this shirt. She wore it with a pair of white shorts that were so long that they went down to her ankles and she was still the cutest thing on the block. I won't let this go.



This is a Harley Davidson onsie that was purchased for her Aunt Stephy's enjoyment. I would never have voluntarily purchased the outfit other than for the mere enjoyment of making her Aunt beam with pride. I will not shall not could not sell this.



This was the first outfit she smiled in. Nope - not letting it go.



A bib is cheap - meant to be disgusting and dirty. A bib's entire existence is to be soiled. Why keep it? Why not just throw it in a big ziploc bag and sell a bundle of them for $2.00? Because this was the first time she ate solids. Green Beans. We were watching Finding Nemo. It was 7:00 at night and Jason was down at his parents helping them with their house. I shall not let this go.



This onsie is now bleach stained all down the front and it should be thrown away or used for a rag but I won't do it. This is the onsie she wore the first night she started sitting up on her own.



Enough said - Our first and not the last OU cheer outfit for halloween 08.



Brinley's first OU Football game!! Who could let such a thing go? Never I say!


Her sleeper from the last night in her pack and play in our bedroom. From here on out she's been in her room in a big girl crib! These are neatly folded under my bed so that they're always there to remind me!!


Brinley's first Christmas morning pajamas. She was SIIIICK! Had a head cold and sores under her nose from all the weeks of snot. But in true Brinley style she was still happy, excited to see you and continually curious about everything. These pajamas are supposed to be for 18 months but at 9 months they fit her perfectly! Go figure!


There are so many more that I can't 'Bear' to give up. I know my attic will be full of baby clothes but I just can't part with them. It would be like admitting that my baby is growing up and good heavens we can't have any of that!

She's going to be one year old in two days shy of a month. I feel like bawling and congratulating myself for making it thus far. I hope and pray that the next years of her life go by with as many memories and more! I can only pray that I'm there for the best and the worst for her and that she knows just how much her mommy loves her.

Someone stop her. She must not grow up.

Case of the Mondays

I hate working for women. If I could work for men my entire life I would be just fine. They tell you straight forward what they expect of you and are much less passive aggressive. Not my luck any more. I hate girls...drama drama drama!

Friday was a very bad day. The day started with arguments with my daycare lady, mid day I let my anger get the best of me and said some choice words at my boss and hung up on her and then ended with a very big bottle of wine and a three paged complaint letter to the head-hanchos about my boss. Yes that's right - I got a backbone and tried it on for size. Evidentaly it suits me. All weekend I worried about sending the letter and was in a panic about the results of my actions. I was told by a fine lady on Sunday night that Worry isn't God. So last night and this morning I gave it up. I prayed until I fell asleep last night and all morning getting ready and driving to work this morning. Finally I received a note from the head boss praising me for stepping forward and making myself heard. We spoke on the phone later and his legitimacy blew me away. What I said in the note was professional but honest and he appreciated that with sincerity. Only a God that loves the flawed could have turned this situation out this way. I am so grateful that He is my God.

Today's random fact: I still wear the promise ring Jason bought me on our two month anniversary.

Well I'm off to do some writing and post-work-work.
God is good - all the time.
Becki

Advisement

Thinking about starting school back up part time. I had an appopintment with my advisor today and I can tell you that school is the last place Satan wants me right now. Everything was working against me all morning and when I was in the office listening to her go over everything I needed I had to resist the urge to throw up my hands and just walk out.

On the walk to the advisement offices Satan was litterally screaming at me. I could hear the insults, the negative thoughts, the insecurities and every foolish things he was trying as loud as an audible voice yelling at me. I sat in the lobby and waited as he continued. So instead of looking like a real idiot and yelling back I wrote back.


This is not your day – it is mine. I am here for my future, for the future of my children and for the betterment of my family. You have fought long and hard and no longer do you win. I am good enough for this. I am smart enough for this. I do deserve this. How dare you make me believe that I am not. I am a daughter of the King and you have no hold on me. I am here to serve the Lord and to bring His grace to students. Back off, back down and know that I am the Lord’s. My future is in HIS hands…..so long.