Monday, March 2, 2009

Distance

I feel so distant from the path that God has set before me that it's painful. I can't seem to keep my feet in His footprints or follow His voice in the darkness. My life is miserable most days and I'm not going to lie to try and hide it. I'm too young to be married and have a kid. I never partied. I never had a wild night out. I was never able to just - be a kid/teenager. I've never been with anyone but my husband. I've never had an actual college experience. I've never done drugs. I've always been stuck with responsibility and maturity beyond my years and now I'm finally sick of it. I've never saught out other means of comfort but suddenly my worldly body is longing for these things and I don't know why. Why is it so danged tempting to want everything that we don't have even if we KNOW that it's not going to get us anywhere but more pain and back where we started at the very bottom of the pit of pain and self-loathing? Why in the world do I long to go out and get absolutely sloshed? Why do I long for the relief of being numbed by drugs? Why do I look forward to business trips to get away? Why do I say the normal "oh i missed them so much" line when I don't really mean it? Why am I looking to other means for comfort? The longings of the world have such a strong grip on me right now that every second of every day temptaion is staring at me - smack in the face.
I am so proud of everyone around me making leaps and bounds in their relationship with 'papa' and here I sit completely confused and upset. I don't know what to do. Who to turn to. Where to go. What to ask for. Why I even feel this way. I feel lost. Lost beyond all meaning of the word right now and I hate it. I miss the words of love that used to be given to me by my Father. I miss the little pick-me-ups in the middle of a rough patch. I miss the feeling of knowing that He is there and He does love me. I don't know what to do. The world has a hold of my left hand and the longing for Christ has my right. I feel like I'm going to rip down the middle.

1 comment:

Shannon L said...

We live in a sinful world, we are a sinful people. It is the very core of who we are, so of course we are going to naturally rebel against God's saving grace. Not that it makes it ok, but we have to understand that in order to get that the battle is NEVER over.

I don't have a squeaky clean background. Far from it. But I do understand becoming a young mother (17) and a young bride (18). I've spent the past decade w/ the same man doing the same day in and day out drudgery. And while I want nothing more then to keep going w/ him and our children in the middle of suburbia, I still wonder what I missed every now and then. And I hate those seasons. I know I'm missing nothing at all our there in the world. Just like you know that too.

We just keep pushing through these seasons. Just keep remembering that it's only our sinful flesh getting in the way. Just keep remembering that God refines us in painful ways. And remember these rough, frustrating times are all to His glory!

Message me on myspace so we can chat if you want. Love love!