Monday, March 23, 2009

Becki: (n) - An intricate being of emotion and creativity. A sinner.

I am a good person. I am mature for my age and a decent member of society. I bathe. I return my shopping cart to its place in the parking lot. I respect others. I am reliable. I listen. I absorb things that matter like a sponge. I’m a hard worker. I acknowledge the differences in others and accept them for who they are. I love equally. I volunteer at my church. I bake meals for those after big life events. I even smile at my mother-in-law. I am a truthful and trustworthy person. I can keep a secret like no one else. I am a people pleaser to the core - making you happy makes me happy.

I can’t stand myself.

I am a sarcastic person. I’m very passive aggressive. I am insecure. I hate cocky people. I don’t like not being the best at something. I fear being marginal. I dislike consistently happy people. I am a loner to the extreme. I hate being smothered. I won’t believe you if you praise me. I only give people one chance. I don’t like people of authority. I crush easily - make me laugh and I’m yours. I pick fights to see if you think I’m worth it. I am a basket case.

I am five foot seven inches on paper but in my head I’m five foot eight and a half. My hair is naturally some shade of brown that I can’t remember through all the years of red, blonde, light brown and now nearly black. My eyes are blue with a distinct pattern of gray in them. I don’t know if they change with my mood but I feel like they would. I am in no shape - other than round and pear like. I spend a majority of my time thinking about everyone else and how to make their lives easier. I come very last in my book. Spending any kind of time or money on myself feels like a sin, a waste or a very selfish act.

I am 25 and still have no idea what I am going to do with my life. I’ve considered, esthetician, cosmetology, senior housing, non-profit, education, writing, baking, home child care, ranching, interior decorating, home design, social worker, travel agent, event planning, bridal gown sales and just about everything else you can imagine. All I really know is that I’m not going to be happy until I find my niche and I’m still looking. Oh I forgot to mention, clothing designer, artist, animator, musician, website designer and photographer. All I seem to be moderately good at right now is being a mom.

I’ve managed to keep my daughter alive for a year now. And the saints come marching in. I never believed we would make it this far. Someone should have tied my tubes right after my wedding ring went on my finger. Who in the world gave me the ability to reproduce and what the heck were they thinking? It’s true that any boob can have a child but it takes a braver person than I to be a decent parent. I try to go everything I can to make sure that she has the best life possible but there are days when all I want to do is get up and leave. Then I think of my mom and how brave she was and I continue my journey for Brinley.

I am not worthy of Christ’s love. I am guilty of every sin in the book except for murder of the physical sense. Worship moves me to tears. I lift my hands in surrender and reaching for my Father. There is nothing more amazing than the feeling of His hands in mine or His arms around mine as I worship. I am self-conscious about prayer and ‘Acting Christian’ but worship is where I know that I can be me. Worship is where God and I connect on the deepest level.

I take the words 'introvert' and 'private' to the extreme. I would rather be somewhere all by myself than with a group of people. Loud public places can be the most private if you know how to shut your mind off. Clear the mechanism. I would love to spend a whole day in a cafe with my laptop and a blank page infront of me. It would be the most productive time of my life. My imagination flows better with the white noise of other people's conversations.

This is my train of thought. This is who I am today. Tomorrow might be different but for now.. here's me.

Monday, March 2, 2009


I feel so distant from the path that God has set before me that it's painful. I can't seem to keep my feet in His footprints or follow His voice in the darkness. My life is miserable most days and I'm not going to lie to try and hide it. I'm too young to be married and have a kid. I never partied. I never had a wild night out. I was never able to just - be a kid/teenager. I've never been with anyone but my husband. I've never had an actual college experience. I've never done drugs. I've always been stuck with responsibility and maturity beyond my years and now I'm finally sick of it. I've never saught out other means of comfort but suddenly my worldly body is longing for these things and I don't know why. Why is it so danged tempting to want everything that we don't have even if we KNOW that it's not going to get us anywhere but more pain and back where we started at the very bottom of the pit of pain and self-loathing? Why in the world do I long to go out and get absolutely sloshed? Why do I long for the relief of being numbed by drugs? Why do I look forward to business trips to get away? Why do I say the normal "oh i missed them so much" line when I don't really mean it? Why am I looking to other means for comfort? The longings of the world have such a strong grip on me right now that every second of every day temptaion is staring at me - smack in the face.
I am so proud of everyone around me making leaps and bounds in their relationship with 'papa' and here I sit completely confused and upset. I don't know what to do. Who to turn to. Where to go. What to ask for. Why I even feel this way. I feel lost. Lost beyond all meaning of the word right now and I hate it. I miss the words of love that used to be given to me by my Father. I miss the little pick-me-ups in the middle of a rough patch. I miss the feeling of knowing that He is there and He does love me. I don't know what to do. The world has a hold of my left hand and the longing for Christ has my right. I feel like I'm going to rip down the middle.